When you’re saying no, pick a quiet, private place to do it. It’s better to say no in person so they can read your body language and hear your tone of voice, but a phone call works, too.
“Sorry, I can’t go that day because I have a dance class that I can’t miss. ” “I wish I could, but my son has a choir concert that night. ” “I’m going to be out of town that weekend. I’m really sorry. ”
Instead of “I wish I could, but I’m going to be tied up that day,” say, “I wish I could, but I have a meeting I can’t miss. ” Instead of, “My plate’s super full right now,” say, “I have a lot of responsibilities to take care of, so I don’t have any free time. ” Instead of going on and on, like, “I wish I could, but I have to take Hank to the dentist, and then I’m going to pilates, and then I have a book club…” stick to short answers, like, “I’m sorry, I have 3 prior engagements that day. ”
“I’m really bummed I have to miss out! I love spending time with you, so I hope we get to hang out soon. ” “Let’s make a plan to hang out next week, okay? I’m sad I can’t see you tomorrow, and I want to catch up. ”
“I understand if you’re feeling a little bummed out. I would be too, probably. ” “You’re upset, and I totally get it. I’m sorry that you feel that way. ”
“It’s not great for my asthma to walk that far. Could we pick a flatter track and walk a shorter distance? Otherwise, I won’t be able to do it, sorry. ” “I already have a trip booked for that weekend. What about the Friday after that? I only work until 5, so we could grab dinner somewhere. ”
“I understand that you’re feeling hurt, and I’m really sorry you’re feeling that way. It can’t be easy. ” “I hope you know that I love spending time with you. I’m also bummed that I can’t make it this weekend. ”
“I know that you’re upset, but I can’t overextend myself like that. I hope you don’t take it personally. ” “I totally get that it’s disappointing. I wish I didn’t have to miss it either, but I can’t cancel my other plans. I’m sorry. ”
For instance, if you made alternate plans, do your best to keep them.
Want to get your loved one some help? Better Help offers professional mental health services online. If you deal with someone with BPD on a regular basis, consider entering counseling or therapy yourself. A mental health professional can help you set boundaries and stick to them, even when it’s hard.
Fear of abandonment Emotional volatility Sensitivity toward threats of abandonment Seeking validation all the time Trying to manipulate or control others
If you are too busy to talk or respond, try to let them know. Instead of ghosting completely, shoot them a quick text saying, “Hey, I’m super swamped with work this afternoon. Can I call you tomorrow?”
Do your best to explain why, exactly, you have to cancel. If you have a solid reason, your loved one with BPD may be able to understand your reasoning better.
Let your loved one know that you accept them for who they are, no matter what.
